Freebie Throwndown #1

Every so often when I’m attending a festival, some dude sees my media pass and presses a free CD into my hands. Since these people obviously want a review, (and since I usually have a long drive home) they’re gonna get what they asked for. No bullshit, no sugarcoating, no punches pulled.

Round One:
At Times of Madness

Spazzy songwriting. Whiney ex-boyfriend clean singing/talking. Fred Durst apologetics. We listened to this CD on the way home from Armstrong Metalfest and my buddy Mike looked at the tracklist and asked incredulously but I’ll say diplomatically, “they made eleven of these?” This album is pretty edgy; I’m glad the band had the presence of mind to slap a Parental Advisory logo on the cover. Vocalist Josh Pym sounds like he’s got serious issues on his mind. Either that, or his V-neck is too tight. The band thanks “God” but I’m pretty sure that if there was a god, he would have smote these kids with a hail of Manowar records before they ever hit the studio. Real talk: Everything about this release is fucking atrocious. The only mitigating factor would be the inclusion of titties on the inside cover, so at least I had something to jerk off to while I was listening to this garbage.



Reality TV is Bullshit


But you knew that already right?

Last weekend I attended a cast party for a musical production I was involved in. As the evening crept into the dark of night and the beer/wine/liquor diminished, the power went out. What do you do when the power goes out in a group of Theater Folk? Hot tub! Once we were settled in, we went swapped stories. Upon her turn, one of the actresses (who I shall refer to as “Shannon”) delivered a harrowing tale of being a guest on the show Dr. Phil.

Shannon had struggled with weight issues and dealt with bullying and had serious problems with self-esteem. She had just conquered Bulimia when she applied to the show, mainly because she’d heard that guests would be given access to professional help for their struggles.

To her amazement, she was contacted by the producers of the show and invited to appear in an episode. It would be an all-expenses-paid trip to Hollywood for her and her family. After a serious discussion with her parents, Shannon decided to go through with it. She was living in a smaller town at the time, so this trip took place in secret, because anyone who has lived in a small town knows how quickly information can spread and become infected.

Shannon and her family hopped on a plane and flew into L.A., where they were picked up in a sexy and sleek limo and taken to a high-end hotel where they were doted upon hand/foot. In a short while, they were carted to the set of Dr. Phil via limo where the first day of shooting would begin. Backstage, Shannon encountered the rest of the folks who would be on the show: One overweight girl, a dangerously anorexic young woman, plus a beautiful, curvalicious lady who, thanks to abusive boyfriends, was totally convinced that she was obese.

Shannon started out with an interview conducted by Dr. Phil’s son, Jaw McGraw, a seriously hunkified slab of Hollywood stardom. He was on the show because he had just released his new book (The Ultimate Weight Solution for Teens, perhaps) She was naturally a little nervous, being a scared 15-year-old sitting next to a human Ken Doll. One of the other producers, an intelligent younger lady sat down with her to wrap up the interview. Shannon rather liked this other lady: She was down-to-earth and actually had some great insight.

During the interview, Shannon was asked “Do you hate your life?”

The answer: “No, I don’t.”

The day’s shooting carried on with Shannon having to do a few scene where some of the crew members pretend to bully her which will go on her intro clip that gets played before Dr. Phil’s guests appear on screen (if you’ve seen an episode of Operah or Doc Phil then you’ll know what I’m talking about) and that was that. Shannon and her family spent the rest of the day touring around Hollywood and seeing the sights. It was a jolt of high-voltage culture shock but so far, so good, right?

When Shannon + family arrived for the second day of shooting with Phil himself, things got weird.

When she arrived on set, one of the producers gave her a look. “Is that what you’re wearing?” she asked. She took her backstage and gave her a new wardrobe, putting her into clothes that Shannon would have never worn in her life. Shannon was called to the stage for her interview with the Doc himself, along with Jay. Before Phil kicked things off, they played the intro clip that they’d shot with Shannon the night before.

Everything was wrong.

Shannon stared, dumbfounded. Her interviews the previous day had been torn apart and stitched back together together to form a horrific sob story of an overweight girl who had no friends, no hope, and who hated herself and everything about her life. Shannon was shocked.

Dr. Phil and Jaw started their interview. Shannon felt so trampled that she could barely answer the questions. She described it as “I just said ‘yes’ to whatever they asked, I felt like I’d stepped outside of my own body. Like I was just floating away.”

The interview eventually ended and Shannon sat back down in the front row of the audience as the rest of the guests went onstage for their portions of the show.

Dr. Phil had some nutritional advice for the teens and young adults. Dr. Phil opened to floor to questions of comments from the audience. Shannon’s father, a high-school basketball coach who works with teens on a regular basis had some disagreements with Phil’s advice and the two of them had a respectful back-and-forth about it.

At the end of the show, when Shannon had been hoping to be put in touch with a weight-control specialist or counseling of some kind, Phil said “Our guests today will receive a copy of Jay’s book!”

At that point, Shannon knew: She was being used. She was a tool to sell a product.

And that was that. The shooting ended, and the guests were rushed from the set like stray animals. As Shannon left the building, head spinning, she passed Jaw McGraw. Their eyes met, and he mouthed the words “I’m sorry.”

They were piled into the limo and set immediately to the airport. Shannon exploded into a fit a of tears and her father dialed up the show and had an A+ fit of rage against the people who had embarrassed his daughter.

When the episode aired, Shannon appeared on it for less than two minutes, likely because her father threatened to sue. The Dr. Phil website had a forum where viewers could discuss the episode, and when Shannon logged on and saw people talking about her and getting all these wrong impressions, Shannon made a few posts to try and set the record straight. The topic was deleted.

Shannon described it as “The worst experience of her life.”

Being a performer, I’ve had a few friends try out for competitions such as Canada’s Got Talent, Canadian Idol etc etc. Every single one of them found it fishy.

Several talented and trained singer friends of mine auditioned for Idol, and were told to leave when the producers realized that they were dealing with people who had actual voice training. The reason is because the vocals coaches of Idol are going to tell you what to sing, regardless of your range or what is good for your voice.

Two average-looking people with incredible voices would be turned away in favor of a hot, terrible-sounding singer (who would be told by the producers “you’re amazing! You’re Idol material!”) because the viewers at home will get a laugh out of someone going ape-shit on national television after being told the truth by the celebrity judges.

A wonderful singer that I know auditioned for Canada’s Got Talent. Before she could see the celebrity judges, the producers had outfitted her with a whole new gothy wardrobe and gave her a dark, tragic backstory to match.

Everyone loves a sob-story. Everyone loves an underdog.

The point: Reality TV ain’t reality. These are not good people. They are not trying to help struggling teens work through their issues. They are not trying to develop long-lasting talent.

These are sharks looking to make a quick buck.

These are people who will stand on the heads of the unfortunate and the confused (and occasionally the deluded or truly talented) in order to catch ratings, fluttering like elusive fireflies overhead.

Hollywood is a dream land. And I don’t mean that in a fun, “dreams come true” way.

It’s fake. It has that dark veneer of reality, but it’s about as legitimate as the WWE.

Don’t go to dream land to deal with your problems. Talk to the people you care about. Go see a real professional. Take your music career to the next level by joining a band and hitting the touring trenches and recording albums and getting your hands dirty.

It’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for ya.”

– George Carlin